What Does It Mean To Be Accountable In A Relationship?
You Are Not Responsible for Others' Feelings—But You Are Accountable
“You are not responsible for others' feelings.” Many of my clients bring up this sentiment during Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) sessions, often as a way to justify their actions or disconnect from the emotional impact on their partner. And in some ways, they’re right. Each of us is responsible for our own experiences and emotions. But does that mean you’re free to act without regard for your partner’s feelings? Absolutely not.
True accountability in relationships isn’t about taking the blame for your partner’s emotions but rather acknowledging how your actions and behaviors affect them. Without accountability, relationships often fall into negative cycles that create distance, resentment, and pain.
The Infinity Ring of Negative Cycles
In EFT, we use the concept of the “infinity ring” to describe the self-reinforcing loops couples often find themselves stuck in. These cycles are fueled by unacknowledged emotions and unmet needs from both partners, often rooted in childhood experiences. When these vulnerabilities go unexpressed, they manifest as secondary emotions like anger, frustration, or anxiety.
These secondary emotions then activate protective mechanisms, creating behaviors that trigger similar defenses in the other partner, perpetuating the cycle.
An Example: Joy and Richard’s Cycle
Consider Joy and Richard (a fictional couple):
Joy’s perspective: Joy feels hurt and scared because she perceives that Richard no longer cares about her or their relationship. These feelings stem from her childhood, where her parents were often too busy to give her attention. Instead of expressing her vulnerability, Joy lashes out in anger, accusing Richard of being inattentive and neglectful.
Richard’s perspective: Richard, on the other hand, feels overwhelmed by Joy’s criticism, which triggers feelings of incompetence and unworthiness—emotions rooted in his mother’s constant criticism during his upbringing. Feeling attacked, Richard shuts down emotionally and physically, often leaving the house to avoid confrontation.
The cycle intensifies: Joy feels abandoned when Richard leaves, reinforcing her belief that he doesn’t care. Her anger escalates, leading to more calls and messages, which push Richard further into withdrawal. The negative loop continues, leaving both partners feeling hurt, misunderstood, and distant.
What Accountability Looks Like
So, how can this cycle be broken? Accountability.
Being accountable in a relationship means:
Acknowledging how your behaviors affect your partner. Recognize the impact of your words, actions, or inactions on their emotional state.
Owning your role in the negative cycle. Instead of blaming your partner, reflect on how you contribute to the dynamic.
Committing to change. Take proactive steps to shift the pattern, even if it feels uncomfortable or counterintuitive.
Accountability in Action for Joy and Richard
Joy’s accountability: Instead of lashing out, Joy could take a moment to recognize and articulate her underlying fears of abandonment. She might say, “When you’re distant, it reminds me of feeling invisible as a child. I need reassurance that you care about us.”
Richard’s accountability: Richard could acknowledge how his withdrawal impacts Joy and commit to staying present during difficult conversations. He might say, “I shut down because I feel overwhelmed, but I know that makes you feel ignored. I’ll try to stay in the room and talk through it with you.”
The Ripple Effect of Accountability
When both partners take responsibility for their actions and responses, the dynamic begins to shift:
Vulnerability replaces defensiveness. By sharing their true feelings, partners create opportunities for empathy and connection.
Trust grows. Consistent accountability fosters safety, encouraging each partner to show up authentically.
Patterns change. Over time, new, healthier behaviors replace old defensive cycles.
What Happens Without Accountability?
Without accountability, negative cycles persist. Relationships stagnate, and partners often blame each other for the dysfunction. Even if the relationship ends, the unresolved patterns are likely to resurface with a new partner. Accountability is essential not only for the health of the current relationship but also for personal growth and future connections.
Final Thoughts: Growth Over Blame
Healthy relationships aren’t about finding someone who never triggers your insecurities or emotions. They’re about growing together, learning to navigate challenges, and being accountable for the way you show up.
Take a moment to reflect on your relationship. Are you owning your part in the dynamic? Are you willing to be vulnerable and accountable?
If you’re ready to break negative cycles and build a stronger, more fulfilling connection, reach out today. Let’s work together to create the relationship you both deserve.